A teacher from a past retreat I was on gave me the advice to “just let the retreat dissolve” after it was over.

That’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the past 2 weeks. Up until now it seemed hard to even talk about my experience at my last retreat, which was just a few weeks ago.

People often have this vision of retreats being a space of utter peacefulness, relaxation, and bliss.

Dare I be frank and truthful, I can tell you that was not my experience, at least not this time.

It was 6 days of silence, which I loved. We spent 14-hour days practicing seated and walking meditation. There were breaks for meals, 75-minute lectures, and tea.

Even as I’m writing this it doesn’t sound very challenging, but being there was an entirely different experience. It was freaking HARD!!

I know that one needs to be brave to sit well, and it truly is not the practice for everyone. It takes patience, perseverance, and strength.

The more we sit, the more we can see and feel the inner chaos of our mind. For me, at this last retreat there was nothing but an onslaught of worry, deep, deep sadness, aloneness, and fear.

There was nothing for me to do – not a single distraction. All I could do was sit and be present with all that I was feeling.

I know this is what we are told to do: to turn toward the pain, see it, and feel it.  I did and I was completely drowning in my pain.

I was not alone – I was part of a group of 30. Most people find the support of others to be helpful – I did not. I found myself and my mind constantly searching for ways to escape the group.

I just wanted to be alone. Even though we were silent, I was feeling so depleted that I couldn’t even bear to be in the physical presence of others.

Every chance I got I snuck away to the empty third floor lounge. I used the bathrooms and shower there, and I searched for the table farthest away from the group to eat, and to just be alone. It was the solitude of my own inner cocoon that gave me the space to feel safe. I desperately needed to replenish.

Each day I thought about leaving early, but I didn’t. Every day I thought things might start feeling better, but they didn’t. At the end of the 6-day retreat I left feeling utterly exhausted and beaten.

So, you might be wondering, what was the takeaway from all of this?

> I firmly believe there are certain times when taking a retreat is not a good idea!

There should be clear distinctions between discomfort, pain, and trauma. There are times when turning inward is NOT a good idea.

We have to take our inward journey at our own pace. I knew this going in, but somehow I was momentarily disconnected from my own inner compass.

I realized once again that for me personally, I cannot and should not rely on any teacher but myself. Being at the retreat I was guided by the teachers in charge, and they were great, but they did not know my personal situation.

I believe that if I were home on my own I would have had a better opportunity to trust and listen to myself as I always do, and use the practices that would have supported me best at that time.

I spent some time thinking that I should have known better, but then I was quickly reminded of Lojong statement #42 …

“Whichever of the two occurs, be patient.”

For me that means, “Whatever happens in your life, joyful or painful, do not be swept away by reactivity. Be patient with yourself and don’t lose your sense of perspective.” Good, solid, simple advice.

Wondering what Lojong Statements are all about?

> Beginning on April 10th I’ll be teaching a 3-week workshop at the Marlene Meyerson JCC Manhattan introducing Lojong: Putting Compassion into Practice.

Lojong Statements are Tibetan Buddhist slogans, also known as mind-training techniques, which offer powerful reminders of how to arouse our hearts in the midst of our day-to-day circumstances.

We’re reminded how we can use everything in our daily experiences – pleasant or painful – to guide us toward compassion, stand bravely at the center of our own lives, and as Chögyam Trungpa would say, “Never give up on yourself.”

You can get more info and sign up here.

Each week I’ll be sharing a few of the 58 slogans for contemplation, discussion, and meditation.

It will be fun, thought-provoking, and intriguing. I hope you can come!

Warmly,
Michele

P.S. Save the dates for my upcoming events – more info coming soon!

 

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NEW Spring Classes & Upcoming Events!
2019

ONGOING CLASSES

Mondays…

Meditation at the Marlene Meyerson JCC
7:30am

Mindful Yoga and Meditation at the Marlene Meyerson JCC
9:15am

Jan – March session
April – June session

Wednesdays…

Commit To Sit
6:30 – 7am

Yin Yoga at the Marlene Meyerson JCC
3:45 – 5pm

Jan – March session
March – June session

Thursdays…

Level 2 Vinyasa at Yoga Synthesis NJ
9:15am

EVENTS

4/3/19
Working with Emotions in Meditation with Kula for Karma
4-class series

4/10
Lojong: Putting Compassion into Practice at the Marlene Meyerson JCC
3-class series

4/14
Meditation Retreat Day at the Marlene Meyerson JCC
10am – 3pm

4/30
Mindful Meditation Immersion with Kula
4-class series